Found! Christmas Letter from Ruby Lei Pershall

(Note: I found this old letter from one of my characters on a woman’s blog. She said she was planning to write her own Christmas letter, but “found this gem on the WWW” and decided to share it. I hope you enjoy it)

Dear Cousin Kate,

Merry X-Mas! Another year has flown by and it’s time to spread good will toward men, and women too, of course. And especially to all you little kiddies. I hope your year has been as happy and eventful as ours has been.

Right off the bat Uncle Clive and Aunt Etta got in a car wreck out by the swamp. Clive said he saw a deer and swerved to avoid it. Etta says he saw a bottle of Jack Daniels and swerved to avoid an imaginary deer. Either way, the car went careening toward that old oak that was hit by lightning over by Turtle Town Road just as you come out of the curve by where Everett Skelton used to park his trailer? Well, Clive managed to miss the tree, but they got stuck out in the swamp and no amount of wheel spinnin’ could have got them out. So Etta, she slogged out of the car and hauled the come-along out of the trunk. She hooked it to the undercarriage and around the big oak.

She was all in swampwater and mud up past her knees and was in her going-to-town dress. She had to beat an alligator off with a tire iron. Then she pulled on that lever until the car got unstuck. When she finally got back to the car (one of her Hush Puppies got sucked off into the mud) She made Clive get the tarp out of the trunk and put it over the driver’s seat. Then she got in and SHE drove all the way back home where she cleaned up and changed her clothes. (So if you’re wondering what to get Aunt Etta for X-Mas, think: Hush Puppies-size 11)

Etta then called the Le Chat beauty salon and told LaDonna Bourgois she was gonna be a little late for her appointment. LaDonna said it was fine and to come on in. So it turned out that Clive was fine, the car was fine, the oak was fine, Etta was fine and her hair was puffy and shellacked all nice for church the next day.

Then in February my brother Billy Jack went to prison for six months. He was doing fine down there in the Willa City jail playin’ pinoccle and such for matchsticks and cigarettes. And when his time was up, he was all set to go back to his little family in Turtle Town. But the Willa County sheriff was there to meet him as he come out the door and arrested him again to go to the county jail for another little while. He’ll be getting out before X-mas, we all hope, and he says he’s made some real nice things down in the prison workshop that he’ll be bringing us for presents. (Does anybody know what a shiv is?)

My neice Colinda hurt her back out working the street one night (she always tried to bend over backwards to please her customers, she says). She had to go to the Urgent Care Center the next day and they gave her some painkillers and some kind of cotton (oxie cotton?) to help her with her back. Well, it turned out she got addicted to the stuff. She always was one to overdo. (Once she ate a whole big bag of Reeces Cups then threw up for three hours. Then she ate M&Ms to settle her stomach.) Anyways, she and her boyfriend Delray Cornish sat up all one weekend while she stopped cold turkey. I guess she got pretty sick. But that’s what happens when you get undercooked turkey. I once threw up for two days after my mama made a turkey that was still pink on the inside. Bless her heart, she kept handing us the 409 bottle and paper towels and yellin’, “clean it up”. (I think my dear old daddy may have been inadvertently killed by her cooking)

We lost a dear old friend this year. My darlin’ Carl Gene’s tick hound Chester got caught in a bear trap back in the spring and it broke his leg near clean off. Carl Gene was beside himself. Darlene Clark, our local vet told us we would have to amputate his leg. There was a big misunderstanding about whose leg was going to be cut off, then Carl just up and shot the dog. Darlene looked at him all upset and everything and Carl Gene just said, “They shoot horses, don’t they?”

Over at the trailer park we had a little incident back in the fall. The biker folk who live down on space #15 decided to have a Halloween Party. Seeing as how they already looked scary all the time anyways, Carl Gene and I were real interested to see how they’d all dress up. Well shut my mouth if they didn’t come dressed as Bernie Madoff and Ann Colter. The scarist one of all was a lady who came in with a pair of square glasses and a tee shirt that said: President Sarah Palin. That one gave me and Carl Gene the willies!

Anyways, while we were out on the front steps watching the party there was a huge explosion! The trailer belonging to 94 year old Juanina Belmont-Suggs away over in space #23 was just a bouquet of flames. And the smell brothers and sisters? Aughhh! It was like pee, only worse. Everyone, of course, run out to see what all the commotion was. All the Sarahs and Anns and Bernies and Baraks staggered out with their wacky tobacky cigarettes sayin’ things like, “Whoa, man! That’s beautiful!” and “Totally Sick, dude!” and “Oh, man! Wasn’t that the meth lab?”

Personally, I thought it was hot. Really hot. TEMPerature hot. And I was worried about Juanina. But here in a few minutes here she come out of the woods all black and smoky. Apparently she was on her way to the outhouse when the explosion occured and it got blown plumb off the hole! She looked madder than a wet hen.

The fire department came and put the fire out after a couple of hours. They said it was an especially hot fire because Juanina was cookin’ in there. I was thinkin’ Hell, I cook all the time, but I never blowed up a whole trailer doin’ it! But the police came and put Juanina in the back of a car and spirited her away. Maybe they were just helping her find a new place to stay.

My precious little grandbaby Carnelian graduated from kindergarten in May. She looked so cute in her little cap and gown. The teachers told her mama that she was the third smartest little girl in the whole classroom. We was bustin’ our buttons proud. Her brother Onyx-Bob flunked out of third grade again, but we think he’ll only take another five years to get to middle school. He’s a rock, that boy. Little Opal Ann, she’s a hoot. She’s two and come runnin’ into the living room one day buck-ass nekkid screamin’, “Where’s my *&^%$! Binky?” They’re gonna have trouble with that one, I can tell ya.

Lester Michaels got another speeding ticket last week. That makes it probably about three tickets a week over the last year. But that wouldn’t even be so bad if he wasn’t the Willa City School Bus driver. But county wide police pursuits at speeds exceeding 100 mph in a bus full of children is frowned upon by the school district. (Of course at 100 mph, crossing the county should only take about four minutes) And of course there are a lot of people who criticize the police for engaging in a chase like that. It’s not like they can’t radio ahead. I mean it’s hard to miss a big yellow bus full of kids that says BUS 42 WILLA CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT on both sides.

No vehicle can go faster than a radio, ya know?

And now that X-mas is nearly upon us we’re all out shoppin’ and visitin’. We’re having all the aunts and uncles and their kids over for X-Mas dinner. I’m cooking a big old goose and if Carl Gene can bag an out of season deer by then, Venison stew. And some possum puffs. Sounds yummy, huh? And we’ll have taters and yams and pumpkin pies, and green bean casserole, and cranberry sauce (can shaped) and home made biscuits and all kinds of other really good stuff.

But the main thing is that we’ll be all together, laughin’, jokin’, fightin’ and lovin’ like a big family should. Y’all have a Merry X-Mas now.

Hugs and Kisses and X-Mas Wishes,

Ruby Lei Pershall

Spreading kitty fur worldwide

New Health Care Tax Cut a Major Milestone

 

Senator John Cornyn R-Texas

The new tax cut being proposed as part of the Better Care Reconciliation Act of 2017 include a tax credit for funeral expenses generated by the death of children under the age of seven. This brilliant strategy, proposed by Sen. John Cornyn R-TX, allows grieving families to start a health savings account with which they may purchase health care for their remaining children. The idea is being heralded as “progressive” and “sympathetic” in the halls of Congress.

Cornyn’s proposal includes additional tax credits for the funeral expenses incurred under the new law being reviewed in the Texas Senate. Under Texas Senate Bill 258, sponsored by Sen. Don Huffinies, R-Dallas, women who experience a “terminated pregnancy”, whether intentional or not, will be required to provide a funeral services for the fetal tissue. The service may be in the form of a funeral or cremation.  The proposed tax credits will allow the woman to obtain Christian-approved birth control in the future to prevent conception.

The Better Care Reconciliation Act is currently awaiting a vote in the US Senate.

 

Trump’s Secret Romance

02/02/2017 04:41 pm ET- Rumors have been flying that the relationship between President Donald Trump and his current wife, First Lady Melania Trump is crumbling.  The First Lady is staying at the Trump’s New York penthouse home while their youngest son, ten-year-old Barron Trump, finishes the school year.

During events which both the President and First Lady attended, the President has been dismissive of his wife.  Mrs. Trump, on the other hand, appears to be visibly unhappy.  At the Liberty Ball after the inauguration, the first dance with the President and First Lady appeared to be very uncomfortable.  A source close to the First Lady states, “Trump is unbearable.  He treats Melania like a slave.”

But leaks from inside the White House are telling us that Trump has secretly begun divorce proceedings from his wife of eleven years.  It appears that Donald Trump has been having a clandestine romance with Steve Bannon, whom he met during a radio talk-show appearance in 2015.  Strategist Bannon, a white supremacist, has been appointed to a seat on the White House’s most critical National Security Committee.

Unnamed sources from Trump’s legal team state that once the divorce is finalized, the couple are planning a small wedding at the Metropolitan Community Church of Palm Beaches in Florida.  The couple then will honeymoon at Trump’s Mar-A-Lago estate, where they will put their heads together and strategize future policy.

Trump’s Battle with Prostate Cancer

TBT, OCTOBER 27, 2016- Unconfirmed reports recently obtained from Donald Trump’s doctors indicate the Republican presidential candidate may indeed be suffering from prostate cancer.  Notably absent in the medical report Trump released during a taping of Time-Warner’s Dr. Oz show was the level of his Prostate-Specific Antigen or PSA.

The higher the PSA level is, the higher the risk for prostate cancer.  Failure to document this specific, routinely administered test may indicate his levels are too high to be disclosed.  A normal PSA for men of his advanced age is 4 nanograms per milliliter (ng/mL) of blood.  Doctors are concerned that Trump’s PSA may be as high as 9, putting him at risk for the deadly disease.

Some have speculated that during Trump’s recent visit to Mexico, he spent several hours at an alternative treatment clinic.  This visit could indicate his cancer is advanced and he is seeking therapeutic methods not available in the United States.

The prostate gland is the size and shape of a walnut and is found underneath the bladder and in front of the rectum. For more information on this deadly disease, contact the American Cancer Society.

 

Hobby Lobby Forces Women to Work In Tents

Tents in Hobby Lobby Parking Lot

 

February 9, 2015

Greenville, MS- Greenville workers and customers were shocked by the appearance of work tents for menstruating women in the Hobby Lobby parking lot.  Store manager Bertram “Bubba” Lee instituted the new policy in order to afford proper “separation” for the women’s fundamentalist Christian coworkers.  According to the manager, the store is following the biblical mandate set forth in the Old Testament. “It’s in Leviticus,” Lee quoted, “And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days.”

Two large tents were set up in the parking lot near the front doors.  Inside each were two check out lanes and some bargain bins.  When asked about the legality of such segregation Lee insisted there were no complaints about the arrangements.  “We put heaters in there for them and there’s Port-A-Pottys right outside.”  Attempts to interview the female workers were thwarted by Lee as he stood at in front of the tent flaps.  “If you ain’t buyin’, you ain’t spyin’,” he said.

The Green family, owners of Hobby Lobby are well-known Pentecostal Christians from Oklahoma.  They state they close their stores every Sunday so that their employees may “go to church or spend time with family.”  Presumably this excludes Seventh Day Adventists, Jews and even Jesus himself who did’t worship on Sundays.  Last year the corporation won the famous Supreme Court case Burwell v. Hobby Lobby which granted the corporation the right of religious freedom.  This decision has been further interpreted to protect members of the Church of Latter Day Saints from testifying in a child labor case in which children were removed from school to harvest pecans on a private ranch for up to eight hours without pay.  It’s also been used by Catholic nuns to refuse to provide mandatory insurance forms because they claim it’s a burden to fill them out.

“We have freedom of religion in this country and that’s what we’re doing,” Lee explained about the tent situation.  The unusual situation didn’t seem to have an effect on the customers preparing for Valentine’s Day.  When asked if the modifications caused a reduction in revenue, the manager stated, “No matter what the political or religious situation may be, scrapbooking never stops.”

In a brief phone conversation with Hobby Lobby’s regional Human Resources department, questions about their position on providing paid menstrual leave for female employees similar to that given in Japan, South Korea and Taiwan were met with a quick disconnection of service.  Attempts to contact Hobby Lobby headquarters have gone unanswered.   

 

 

 

Utah Rancher Claims Aliens Killed Sheep

Dead sheep owned by Ray Peck in Skull Valley, 1968 Don Grayston, Deseret News

GRANTSVILLE, UT- Beaujean “Beau Peep” Peeples, a local sheep rancher, reported to police today that about one hundred of her flock were killed by aliens.  Peeples claims to have seen strange lights in the nighttime sky over her fields on April first.  While checking her stock in the area the following day, the rancher found what Tooele County Sheriff’s deputies confirm was just over one hundred sheep carcasses.  Then incident occurred about ten miles due west of the Wal-Mart distribution center in Grantsville.

The Grantsville 911 center confirrned there were several calls reporting unusual lighted objects in the sky on that night.  A sheriff’s deputy dispatched to the scene saw no lights and chalked up reports to activity at nearby Dugway Proving Ground.  The Army facility is notable for the famous “Dugway Sheep Kill” incident of 1968.  In March of that year, 6249 sheep died in Skull Valley, about thirty miles from Dugway’s testing site.  At that time Dugway was performing open-air testing on the chemical weapon VX gas.

Dugway is home to the High Resolution Fly’s Eye Cosmic Ray Detector, radio telemetry and tracking radar.  UFO conspiracy theorists consider this the site Roswell crash materials were taken after they were removed from Area 51 in Nevada.

Samples from the dead sheep were sent to Tooele County Extension Veterinarian Dr. Palmyra Fjeldsted.  Fjeldsted stated she was unable to determine the cause of death upon initial examination and that she is sending samples on to the USDA for further testing.